On Saturday I went on the trampoline. I went as high as a red shiney rocket. I felt like I was in a storm becasue I could feel the wind rushing through my face like a car. It was cold and warm at the same time because it was cold but I was jumping around. Boang, bounce, high as I jumped around like a kangaroo. Next I did a flip. I was as fast as a cheetah. Next minute boing, I landed it. I did more then I felt dizzy like I could fall off the tramp. Then I lay down. I could feel a gentle breeze across my back so I climbed down the old rusty ladder and jumped down. Then I went inside. It was awesome.
Sandwich Response from Miss Irvine:
Josh, I love some of the language features you've used to describe what you felt when you were on the trampoline. I especially like "I felt like I was in a storm."
You have a good beginning and a personal comment at the end, but I think it would be helpful if you worked on using paragraphs in your writing to separate different thoughts.
I also really like you're use of 'because' and 'so' to make your sentences different lengths. It makes it less boring for the reader.
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